I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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