I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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