Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize