Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
