High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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