The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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