So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
