You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
