pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
