Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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