Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
