My liver just broke up with me...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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