I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
