Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
