No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
