I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
