Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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