Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
