Dual....:-)
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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