I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
