im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize