halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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