that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
