He is such a slut. More and more my type.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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