i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
