its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
