and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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