I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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