the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
