I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
