You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize