I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
