At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
