I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
