Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Less talking, more tequila
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
