He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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