but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
