Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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