I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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