Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
