im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
