You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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