I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
