I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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