The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
