I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
