I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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