My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
