man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
why is half of my head shaved?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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