No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
