Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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