Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
