So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize