The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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