I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
