the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
