I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
