I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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